Alice in Sugarland
by CaramelApple74
Summary: Alice goes shopping for a new pair of boots, but ends up buying more than just that on her shopping trip. She ends up mistaking drugs for sugar, gets arrested for attempted prostitution, and makes a 'friend' in jail. ONE-SHOT. Originally part of a multiple chapter drabble fic, but I decided to make it into a one-shot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the characters in it, I just made up the plot for this one-shot.**

Carlisle strolled down the second floor hallway of the Cullen household, his lean frame shaking with silent laughter. He had just received the photograph which he was currently clutching tightly in one hand, and was going to be sure that nobody tried to take it from his this time. They would have to pry it from his cold, dead hands, and he would have none of that.

It had been thirty four years since Bella had become a vampire, and she had adjusted to the lifestyle unbelievably quickly and beautifully, something Carlisle had never witnessed another vampire do before without great struggle. The Cullens currently resided in northern Oklahoma, where they were planned to remain for the next few years or so before they moved again. Carlisle pondered whether they should head somewhere tropical and hot the next time around, or perhaps on second thought that may not be the wisest decision- he couldn't very well saunter through town glittering like a walking diamond in the sunlight. Wherever the Cullens chose to go though, he would be sure to purchase a home large enough to house the family's not-so-coveted room of shame.

You see, the Cullens were very good natured creatures, and they enjoyed getting laughs off each other. They especially relished their ever-increasing private jokes. However, when one is alive for centuries, trouble will obviously ensue, and some cases typically cause embarrassment to the members of the family. Because these embarrassments happen so frequently and are highly amusing, Carlisle and his dear wife Esme created the room of shame. Countless mugshots, clippings of police reports, and many souvineers such as handcuffs, officers batons, and the ever un-fashionable orange jumpsuits were taped onto walls, or placed on display tables. The souvineers were of course illegal, but being a member of the undead had its perks, like running at an inhuman speed to the police station and taking the items of a member of his family's latest arrest, all without any officers even noticing him stepping foot in the building.

The Cullens were quite fond of the room, except they loathed anything that had to do with them in there. Although he hated to admit it, Carlisle himself had his fair share of shame exhibited within the room too. He couldn't help but cringe every time he walked past his mugshots, but he had to admit that he did deserve them. And rightfully earn them. In his hand though was the latest picture, and he had just in fact bailed this particular Cullen out of jail previously this morning. She was sulking in the house somewhere this moment, and was avoiding eye contact with everybody she encountered. She had good reason to though, because nobody could help but laughing at the hilarity of the situation.

Sweet, bubbly Alice Cullen was arrested for buying and selling drugs, and prostitution.

* * *

Alice Cullen had a shopping problem, and a major one at that. She would purchase any and everything she saw that she found worthy of buying. That meant she bought anything expensive and eye-catching. Diamonds were her favorite jewels, gold was an accessory staple, and silk and satin were her go-to fabrics.

On this particular overcast November day in Stillwater Oklahoma, Alice went to a small boutique to buy the new pair of boots she had a vision of being sold there that day. The drive was short, only fifteen minutes. The staff there greeted Alice with hugs and praises on her outfit that day, because she was a regular there and they all knew her quite well. Alice paid for the boots, stayed to chat with the cashier for a few minutes, and then walked briskly back to her car with her bag.

She hopped onto the driver seat of the car once she had unlocked the door, and practically shredded the tissue paper surrounding the boots in her haste to get a better look at them. She ran her hands lightly over the soft, supple black leather of the four-inch high-heeled knee high boots. They were perfect, cute, and incredibly trendy. After a moment and idea struck her -she thought the boots would match her current outfit perfectly.

Alice tore off her red pumps and threw them into the back seat, not caring if they got scuffed or not; they were least seasons anyways and she'd been meaning to get rid of them. She pulled on her new boots and marveled at them, thinking how much of a fashion genius she was. Alice knew she was the most fashionable person in the family, followed closely by Rosalie, but not close enough that she should be worried about her title.

Right when Alice started her car and was about to head home, a man in a sleek black SUV pulled up in the spot next to her and rolled his window down. The stranger eyed Alice curiously, finding that she looked just like his usual customers did; jumpy, energized, and slightly paranoid. She appeared to already be on the stuff, bouncing up and down on her seat and what not. He figured he could sell her more of it; she would most likely want another fix soon anyways, and now was the perfect time to sell it to her since she wasn't completely conscious of her decisions. "Hey, tweaker!" he called, leaning out the window.

Alice cut the engine to the car and politely turned to face the man. She was in too good of a mood right now to be skeptical of a random person speaking to her. Besides, she just got a new nickname! Maybe he would want to be her friend? "Yes sir, how can I help you?" she asked, flashing a dazzling grin.

"Now now, I'm here to help you," he replied, automatically knowing he had this sale in the bag.

Alice thought that he was such a nice man since he said he would help her with something. Maybe he did charity work? "Sure, what can you do for me?"

"I have what you need," he said, reaching down on the passenger seat, then turning to face her again and holding up a bag filled with a white crystal-like substance.

"Oh, it's pretty!" Alice gawked. "It looks like sugar!"

"Yes, very special sugar. I assume you're familiar with this?" he chuckled darkly.

"Of course I know what sugar is, silly! I use it all the time to bake."

Alice had taken up the hobby of baking recently, and gave her sugary confections to local homeless shelters. But the man didn't know this of course, he thought she had just confirmed his suspicions that she was a smoker of crystal meth.

"Perfect doll face, now you just hand me the money and I'll be on my way."

Alice hadn't missed how he said that it was special sugar, and thought it would make her treats for the less fortunate taste better than usual. She took a wad of cash from her purse and handed it to the man, taking the bag from him in return. He noticed that she gave him enough money to pay for the drugs five times over, but he didn't object. More cash for him.

"Thank you so much sir! I'll put this to good use as soon as I get home!" Alice chirped, pleased with her recent purchase of that she thought was quality sugar.

The man nodded and then sped out of the mall parking lot, taking one glance in his mirror to see Alice practically buzzing with excitement. _She'll put that to use very soon_, he thought.

Now that Alice had her supposed sugar, she also left the parking lot, making one last stop to a jewelry store before heading home. Little did Alice know though, that an undercover police officer was parked in front of the same store she was heading to, ready to bust prostitutes and get them off the streets.

Alice glided out of her car to head inside of the shop once she got there, but paused when she heard the undercover cop's complaint.

"They never put enough sugar on these damn powdered doughnuts," he fumed, biting into the nearly plain treat.

"Excuse me sir, I have some sugar for you if you would like some," Alice offered, stepping to his vehicle. "But I have to sell it to you; it's very expensive, and I need to save some for other people too."

The cop silently appraised Alice and concluded that she looked just like your typical hooker. This was way too easy for him, she fell right into his trap. He was shocked, however, when Alice held up a huge bag of crystal meth and tried to sell it to him. This would be another charge for her, and would not look good on her criminal record. He played his role perfectly though, not skipping a beat and assuming the part of someone who was looking for what Alice was trying to willingly give.

"Sure I'll take some sugar, sugar," the officer replied, giving Alice a suggestive wink. "But I'm much more interested in how much you charge."

"Whatever you think is a fair price," Alice said, not catching the double meaning of his words.

"Alright, get in the car and tell me where to go."

"Actually, I was thinking of going to the jewelry store right there," Alice said, pointing at the freshly painted building.

The officer was taken aback at her statement. He didn't find her as the public affair type at all. This could possibly be a charge of public indecency too if he let her go that far. Not that he would though. This was his job, and he was about to take her into custody. "Sure thing honey, let me just get out the car and I'll follow you in."

Alice was absolutely beaming at this point. She had made two friends in one day! Rosalie was wrong like always; humans were very nice people and were more than happy to help her with things she didn't even think she needed. Alice was broken out of her reverie though when something tight and metal was snapped around her left wrist, quickly followed by her right.

"Ma'am you're under arrest for possession of crystal meth and prostitution. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law," the officer said as he shoved Alice into the back of his vehicle.

Alice was shocked to say the least. Horrified was more like it. That loser in the SUV had sold her drugs and she thought it was sugar! God, she was an idiot. And prostitution? Taking a look at her outfit though, she could understand where the cop was coming from. The boots paired with her red lace skirt made her look like a first class hooker. Alice had made the first bad fashion choice in her entire lifetime. If she could cry right now, her face would be streaming in tears. But she couldn't cry, she was forever frozen.

Upon arriving at the police station, Alice was strip searched to see if she had any other illegal substances on her. The search was negative, of course, but Alice was mortified the whole time. She would have fainted were she alive when a different set of officers brought out the orange jumpsuit for her to change into. Orange was the only color she couldn't pull off; it washed her out. Her mugshot didn't come out any better either; she looked like a deer caught in headlights in the photograph.

"You get one free phone call," said a burly woman who looked more like a man.

Alice grimaced at the woman's uniform and turned to the phone. Some of the other inmates were starting to stare at her, and to be quite frank, Alice found them extremely scary looking. She hurried to dial the house number and waited for someone to pick up, preferably Carlisle or Esme. They wouldn't laugh at her, she was sure of it. The phone rang twice before it was answered.

"Hello?" Emmett boomed on the other line.

"Shit," Alice cursed under her breath.

"Alice?" Emmett asked.

"Yes, it's me," she huffed impatiently.

"This isn't your regular phone, where are you?"

"Could you just put Carlisle on the line, please? It's important."

"Not until you tell me where you are," Emmett insisted, sounding a little amused.

"No, just give him the phone, okay?"

"Not a chance, little sister."

Alice groaned; she just knew Emmett would do this if he answered. "I'm in jail okay! Just get Carlisle because I'm running out of time for my one free phone call."

Emmett's loud guffaws were heard and he said nothing else, presumably handing the phone to Carlisle because he couldn't stop laughing.

"Alice?" Carlisle sounded worried.

"Yeah it's me. Just listen, I got arrested and I'm in jail right now. I need you to come bail me out as soon as you can, please," Alice said hurriedly, chancing a glance over her shoulder to see a man looking her body over in a lewd manner. She shuddered and turned her attention back to the brick wall in front of her.

"I'll be right there," Carlisle said, "But you know the drill, I get a full explanation when I pick you up."

"Okay okay, whatever you want. Just get me out of here, I'm not cut out for jail! I might become somebody's bitch!"

Carlisle snickered briefly and then the line went dead. Alice put the phone on the wall and hung her head in shame. She was then escorted to a jail cell with an obviously drunk man who smelled awful and tried repeatedly to grope her. He told her his name was 'Muffintop', told her she would be his 'Tinkerbell', and tried to get her to play a game of 'Drop the Soap'.

Carlisle couldn't get there fast enough.

It took Carlisle twenty two minutes to bail her out. It took ten seconds for her to change back in her clothes and grab her stuff. And it took the whole car ride home for her to work up the courage to confess to him exactly how she got arrested. She knew that Carlisle had a copy of her mugshot, and she tried to steal it from him so he couldn't stick it on the wall in the room of shame. Her attempts were futile though.

When they got home, Edward read her mind to get to story from her, and busted out in laughter when he saw that she was called a tweaker. He soon told everybody else about his finding, and it immediately became her new nickname.

Alice Cullen didn't go shopping for two weeks after that day, and stopped using sugar. She bought store bought treats for the homeless instead, and made sure everything was sugar free.

* * *

**Hope you liked it! **

**Feel free to leave a review on how you thought it was! I like getting constructive criticism also, so don't be afraid to let me know if there's anything I can fix to make the story better!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~CaramelApple74~**


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